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Looking Out

I want to get drunk

and hide in my solitude

Away from prying eyes

and the judgmental

I want to tell myself that I'm special

that I'm good

Shades of paranoia fill

the dark brown coffee I drown in

Gray skies or blue

when I look the sky tells me what my world must be

If I don't look out at the world

it can be whatever I want it to

Time is irrelevant

life is just a series of tasks

One by one they are done

and time passes

I want to escape this world

with its simple pains and pleasures

To seek out the harsh unforgiving light

of the world outside

But I can't remember where I put the door

sometimes I think I know, but then I get distracted

Yesterday I stood at the window for a long time

thinking that my world had merged with the other

Then I saw someone who used to be a friend

clouds blotted out the sun and I turned back inside

The day will come, I tell myself

when I will once more feel the warm sun on my face

And naked, climb mountains and proclaim myself

to be who I know I really am